Red's Daughter
by xEssentialSoulx
Summary: Red has to deal with a tragic loss. Trigger warning and talk of Character death. M for safety. Possible second chapter.


A Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, just the OCs.

Orange is the New Black

Red's Daughter.

Red drug her feet across the white tile floor down the hall, from the visiting room, towards her bunk. Her mind was floating in a haze. The haze was so thick there was no direction for her to find her way back to reality. In fact, she was certain she would never desire to come back; she wanted to stay in this endless fog for the entirety of her pathetic existence.

What she had been told just couldn't be true. It was just a lie. A cruel devastating lie! She couldn't help but ask herself, why would they lie about something like this? How could they tell her such a grotesque joke? Something like this couldn't occur, not her child. Not to her flesh in blood. How could something like this been overlooked? How could her husband and sons not see all the pain her youngest must of felt. Worst of all she too had missed it. How could SHE of missed it? Red gripped the manila envelope tighter in her fist.

Mothers were supposed to recognize when their kids were pain, right? They were always supposed to be able to make all of their child's pain go away… Where had she been? What had she been doing when her youngest child, her only daughter had needed her the most. The tears rimmed Red's lashes as she sank down onto her pitiful excuse for a bed.

"Red?"

"Mom?" She couldn't make out the voice, it sounded so far out, and she scarcely heard it.

Gentle hands cupped her face; she could just see a distorted outline of a face through her watery vision. She could only assume it was Nicky. "What happened?" Gina asked as Nicky shook her head unknowingly.

Red opened her mouth to speak, but the only sound that came out was a raw, guttural sob that burst from her chest. Her tears erupted from over the threshold of her lashes and down the reddening flesh of her cheeks. Nicky's arms were around Red instantly, hugging her close. She wanted to push Nicky away, to tell her she didn't deserve the comfort, but she was unable to stop the flow of tears or the involuntary trembling of her body. Her voice had failed her. So she let Nicky lovingly hold her, she was unable to make herself move.

People were gathering around Red's cubical watching and wondering what had happened to break Red's heart like this. Norma and Gina did their best to shoo the others away so Red could mourn in private. Nicky stayed glued to Red's side. It broke her heart to see such a strong, independent woman fall apart like she this. Nicky wondered what horrible thing had occurred to crush her mother, Red, like this.

After a long time Red spoke with broken words and mumbles as she forced in large gasps of devastated air, "S…she….she's gone."

"Who?" Gina asked as Nicky was cradling Red closer.

"She needed me and I wasn't there." Red continued struggling to put words together. Nicky really had to listen, to understand her.

"I should have protected her, but I was here. She needed me and… I…" Another sob emerged from the older woman's chest, "My baby… my little girl… is dead."

Horror spread across the faces of everyone in the room. Red could not bear to divulge the details of her youngest child's death. How could she tell them it was self-inflicted? That it was a suicide? Red curled up on her bunk and faced the wall. Her pain could not be put into words. She felt as if her soul was slowly dying.

She no longer desired to leave Litchfield; she forever wanted to remain in her small shared space and horrible bed until the end of her days. Her house was now just that, a house. Without her daughter to return to, that place was nothing more than a tomb of memories and permanent heartache. As long as she remained at Litchfield she could pretend like nothing had happened. Pretend that her little girl was healthy, happy and alive as she waited for her mother to return home. Waiting to run into Red's open arm's with the most brilliant smile on her face, just as she always had.

For days, Red scarcely moved from her bed, she refused to eat. She just lay there on her bunk clutching tightly to the envelop her eldest son had given her, after she had given Demetri a solid hard slap across his face. It had echoed throughout the visitors' room like a crack of thunder. This just wasn't possible, her daughter was her light, her hope, and how had the signs gone unseen?

Finally, after being awakened from a nightmare of her daughter's demise, Red slipped from her bunk, she locked herself in her office kitchen area. Turning on a small lamp, the soft glow of light flooded the darkness. She stared at the envelope for a long moment before finally finding the courage to open it with such care, which was never seen by any objects in Red's possession.

The contents spilled onto her desk as Red peered down at them, tears rimmed Red's eyes with new vigor. Before her lay a photo and a small white envelope, gingerly, she lifted the photo. She was afraid if she wasn't careful it would dissolve between her fingertips. The picture was of Red when she was younger, standing behind an island, in the kitchen of her home. The island was covered in white flour; clearly the large green bowl in front of her had been missed. The young version of Red bore a brilliant smile for the camera with her arms wrapped lovingly around a little girl resting on her hip. The little girl was adorned with bright red lipstick marks on her cheek.

Tears spilled from Red's eyes as she looked at her baby, her thumb slowly traced over the image of the flour coated little girl. The little girl's bright blue eyes shone with mischief, they mirrored Red's eyes perfectly, and her dark flour covered hair was up in pigtails. The child had her arms tightly wound about her mother's neck, as she gave the camera her best toothy grin. Her two front teeth were missing. Red pressed her lips to the image of the little girl, the tears dripped from her lashes with heartbreak. With the utmost care she placed the once happy image, which brought her joy back onto the desk very carefully as if to keep it from getting damaged from her movements.

Red wiped her blurred vision with the back of her hand as she sniffled, turning her attention to the letter. She turned the envelope in her hand, until her watering eyes fell upon the word _'Mommy'_ written in black ink. The word was crisp against the white envelope. The envelope had been decorated with hearts, stars and smiley faces.

She carefully untucked the unsealed envelope carefully not to damage it in any way. She carefully unfolded the letter and began to read carefully.

 _Dear Mommy,_

 _I am nearly 16 now and I am not sure if I am too old to be calling you that, but for this letter I am going to. How are you? I hope everyone is being nice to you. School is going okay, I guess. The kids are a little mean to me, but I have two very best friends, Melony and Aurora. I think you would really like Melony because she is very outspoken. Aurora is very kind and she always has these crazy ideas for us to try. One time we were messing around with fireworks, we tied a bunch together and lit them all. It was so fun, until the bottle fell over and we had to run for our lives because fireworks were going everywhere. Not to worry though, no one got hurt. Daddy, of course, had a cow when he found out and grounded me for a week but oh well._

 _Mommy, I don't know how to put into words how much I miss you and wish you were here with me. I wanted so badly to see you today, but I when I saw you, standing by the chair beaming at me, I just couldn't come in. I wanted to so bad! I wanted to run in and wrap my arms around you and never let you go, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to disappoint you anymore. I was afraid you would hate me. I wanted so much to be the daughter you deserved, someone you could be proud of. I knew daddy was going to tell you about my getting arrested and I just couldn't deal with that. I didn't want to tell you I was failing my classes. School is so hard for me mommy. They think I have some sort of learning disability, and making me take all these specialized classes. I didn't want you to be ashamed of me, because I know I am ashamed of myself. I hate not being able to understand. When I have to read out loud, that's when some of the kids really start making fun of me._

 _I hate myself so much mommy for all the trouble I have caused. I know you and daddy did everything you could to save the shop because you had me. I am sorry you're in prison and it's all my fault. I am sorry if I have let you down. I wanted to let you know, that you don't have to worry about me anymore. I really wanted you to know how much I loved you and that I am grateful that you were my mommy. I hope one day you and daddy can have another daughter better than me and that she can love you just as much as I do. So I guess this is it, the end of my letter. Please don't be sad. You deserve someone so much better than me. I love you so much, mommy. No matter what happens, remember that._

 _Goodbye,_

 _Alyona Nadyia_

Sobs raddled Red's body down to her core. How had no one seen this? How could her daughter ever feel like this was all her fault or that there was something wrong with her? Red could never love another child as much as she loved Alyona and her two elder brothers. Alyona had been their little surprise baby, that's why her name means Torch of Light and Hope. She was forever going to be their light and hope in the world. Red had been so excited about having a little girl and now her daughter had slipped from her fingers. The last time she held Alyona in her arms, I mean really held her she was five. The night before she was arrested and taken to Litchfield. Alyona had been so young and so afraid; she didn't understand what was happening.

How had Alyona not known how much Red had loved her? How much Red had wanted to love her and make all the bad things go away. Alyona was her mother's world, and now Red was never going to have the chance to tell her little girl how perfect her mother thought she was. The last time Red saw her, she mother didn't get the chance to tell her daughter how much she meant to her mother, just like Red had every time her daughter came to visit. Red was forever going to have to live with the feelings of failure as a mother. If should could trade her life for her daughters' she would in a heartbeat.

Red pressed the letter to her lips and kissed it as the tears dripped onto the page.

"I love you Alyona. More than you could possibly know."

There you go guys. Since I have been feeling really sad as of late, I decided to write something sad. Don't worry guys; I don't have children so this hasn't happened to me. Some of my friends have lost children at a very young age (Babies, it was no one's fault) so I was going off the pain they could be feeling, that I have never experienced. Hopefully I got the emotion across well. I might write one more chapter about the funeral, but not sure yet. Please review and have a good day.


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